Topic: Anjai's PR Test (Read 872 times)

Anjai · « **on:** April 17, 2011, 10:22:35 PM »

Name/Nickname: Cheyenne P. / Anjai / Shy Ann <---According to Chiaki.
Country Of Origin & Time Zone: USA & GMT-6
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Enter Msn or Yahoo messenger: mikomispirit@gmail.com
What Field You Would Like To Be Positioned In: Proofreader
Why You Want This Position: To meet new people and to challenge myself.
Your Time Available: 5-9 my time on weekdays and whenever on weekends.
Experience: I proofread my friends' essays.

(click to show/hide)

Chiaki was right next to me, and no matter how much she giggled, she wouldn't help me or tell me what I did wrong!!! >_< I think she was messing with me...

Lanie · « **Reply #1 on:** April 22, 2011, 03:54:58 AM »

Alright, I'll critique your test.

text: In fact, the story of Polaris is about how the prince and the princess of Ursa Minor accepted their arranged marriage and lived happily ever after. That's all.
FYI - Removing the quotes here is optional.

text: However, it’s you that is being deceptive too. You're talking about your "imagination" since you also have your favorite storyline of “She Chose on Her Own to Stay by Her Love."
"That" should be "who", since a person is the thing being referred to. You don't need to capitalize the storyline in quotes, since it isn't a title.

p.120
text: However, I didn't deceive you. That is to say, it was stories that were told for the purpose of entertaining people...
Mixing singular and plural here. Either make "it was stories that were told" into "it was a story that was told" or "they were stories that were told"

text: The truth of fiction is almost helpless before "imagination."
This sentence sounds awkward. Part of the job of a proofreader is editing sentences like these to flow better. One way to do that would be "The truth behind fiction is almost helpless compared to 'imagination.'" Just make sure you keep the original meaning of the sentence intact, rewording it as minimally as possible.

Fran: It doesn't matter whether it's true or false, since it was you who decides if my story is true.
You're mixing past and present tenses here. It should be "it is you who decides".

Fran: That's why the listener must also decide on what truth their own hearts want.
Adding the word "also" is unnecessary.

text: "Cage of Polaris" / is made up of thoughts called "me."
You've removed part of the sentence you didn't have to. A better way to correct this would be "'Cage of Polaris' / This cage is made up of a thought called 'me.'" Where the "Cage of Polaris" part probably would look better if typeset without punctuation since it's a title, not a proper sentence.

Niko: Niko doesn’t understand these difficult things, though... / I do understand one thing!
This would make more sense if broken up differently, like "Niko doesn't understand difficult things... / Though, I do understand one thing!"

Fran: —Aah, it's about time for me to go. Otherwise, it will be too dark.
Awesome job on the em dash! :D

Not too bad. Please review your mistakes carefully to ensure you don't repeat them.

Here's the second test:

(click to show/hide)

Anjai · « **Reply #2 on:** April 22, 2011, 05:20:58 AM »

Thank you for critiquing my test. Yea, I'm working on improving the time I look over the stuff I'm proofreading.

(click to show/hide)

Chiaki · « **Reply #3 on:** May 07, 2011, 12:32:10 AM »

-Bump-

I'm done going over PR tests today.
If there are any available proofreaders, please go over Anjai's test.
I think she waited long enough. Someone needs to go over Pao's test too.

Thank you~.

aftershocked · « **Reply #4 on:** May 18, 2011, 01:45:40 PM »

~~Aghhhhh sorry for the wait >_< I'll get on this right now.~~

Here we go:

(These 2 lines are written in the alphabet. So no change please.)
Just FYI, this note can be omitted, since it was only to tell the PR not to change the text.

Volume 1 on sale October 22.
Omit the comma, it's unnecessary.

Engrave it into your memory, this curse and pain. // Carry it on your back— // (Together.)
These sentences, as you had it, are too choppy and disconnected. The way I've reworded them is just one possibility; the main thing is trying to join the sentences together for a better flow.

—Close your eyes.
You did this before too, but NEVER have a space before or after an emdash. Connect the emdash to the text directly (so —Close, not — Close).

Robin: Like I said, we’re competing over gardening.
You can make this sentence sound much more natural and flow better by simply omitting a few words and putting over gardening at the end of the sentence instead of the beginning.

Robin: Alba-san, you should have a hobby too. Otherwise, you'll become mentally ill.
There are various approaches to take to this statement; the easiest is simply changing be to become, since the comment is that she could become ill in the future, not that she already is.

wouldn’t look into the reason
Again, you could try and reword this in more than one way; in any case, put his nose into is awkward in this statement.

Text: —Happy.
Need to omit the space after the emdash again.

Niko: Listen! // Having the same thing // is special to girls!!
(These scripts suck. Seriously. xD) For this particular nonsensical sentence, I would suggest omitting a few words to better join the overall statement being made, "to girls, it's special to have something that's the same."

You got that?
Omitted two unnecessary exclamation points, since she's mostly just asking a question, and changed get to got to be more grammatically correct.

Text: Oh,I see.
Choose an emdash and make the sentence Oh--I see or leave as a comma here; either way, an emdash and comma are two completely different kinds of punctuation, not to be mixed.

The curse is, you know, Alba-san. / It’s a kind of Goetia formed by your guys' cats language.
This statement can mostly be kept-as is, but the sentence overall is incomplete, so I just suggest adding a the at the beginning. Also omitted the unnecessary that is. And this is just my opinion, since there's no context to go by, but since the word is later written as just Cats and guys' already has a possessive, I don't think cats needs a possessive here.

However, this is the “proof of passions and deep affection that is shared at the time of one’s death.”
Again, an opinion without context to be certain, but since proof of passions for deep affection makes no sense, I would change it to passion and deep affection since they're two similar but distinctly different emotions. When there's no context to go by, sometimes you just have to invent some kind of logic in order to have the sentence make sense XD

Hmm. Except for some awkward wording, you didn't really have any big problems, so I'm going to vote you pass. You need two more votes to pass (or possibly a third test). I'll try and bug some people into looking over your app. Sorry, again, for making you wait so long orz

Anjai · « **Reply #5 on:** May 19, 2011, 02:15:46 AM »

Yay! (Happy dance.) Phew.

I'm very happy. Thanks for looking over my application because I was waiting in deep anticipation over my acceptance. Hopefully, I'll learn from my mistakes. I'll have to wait in more anticipation, though.

Iceiphoenix · « **Reply #6 on:** May 24, 2011, 09:47:10 AM »

Hi!! I'm so sorry about the super long wait! >.< I'll be going over your second test! o/

~~~

So anyway, apart from the things that Afs picked up on, I also noticed:

p.9-10
Text: And so he must make suspicious medicine!!
- Here, it never says that he must make the medicine, it just says that he makes it. The "must" here is unnecessary.

Robin: Alba-san, you should have a hobby too. Otherwise, you'll be mentally ill.
- The original said "Alba-san, you too should have a hobby or too". I usually interpret it as "Alba-san, you should have a hobby or two as well". But that's just my personal opinion. ^^"

Alba: Can you look at this?
- Since Alba is referring to her back, "Can you take a look at this?" would sound more natural in this context.

p.11-12
Text: --Maybe Robin / wouldn’t put his nose into the reason / why I have these scars.
- "into the reason why I have these scars" sounds kind of awkward with that break in between. Putting "as to" after "reason" would make it flow a bit better. :)
- Ah, and don't forget to change the "--" to an em dash to keep consistency with the rest of the chapter!

Alba: Do you see something like a flower?
- This bit sounds a bit awkward. "Do you see something that looks like a flower?" would be better. ^^

Niko: Robin-san!! I’ve found another flower book!!
Robin: No. I don’t see any.
- Here, Niko just talks about one plant reference book. Robin should say "No. I don't see one" to keep consistency.

Niko: Gya~~. Scars. Aaaaah!!
- I would suggest changing the periods to exclamation marks, since I would imagine that Niko's screaming or yelling. XD

~~~

Hm, like what Afs said, you only have a couple of problems with awkward sounding sentences, but adding on to what Afs pointed out, there's actually quite a few... Right now, I'm kind of sitting on the fence about whether to pass you or not... Anyway, let's just wait for another PR to go over your test, ok? ^^ Depending on what she thinks (yep, all the active PRs now are female >_>) you might be issued with a third test. :)

Well then, I'll wait until another PR goes over your test and see if there are any other errors to point out. ^^" I'll make my decision after that happens.

So sorry about my indecisiveness! OTL

INeededThat · « **Reply #7 on:** May 27, 2011, 06:12:03 PM »

Heya! Don't really have much more to point out that Afs and Pho haven't already (plus, it's 1 AM and I'm bushed > <), but here're some things they pointed out that I'd like to talk about:

"Curse is, you know, Alba-san"
- Although you probably want to consult with the TL about this one, it sounds like he's saying something to the effect of "You know what a curse is, Alba-san." You could actually change it to that, or to something like "A curse is... you know, Alba-san." Changing it in either of those ways would make the meaning clearer to the reader.

- You got that?
Omitted two unnecessary exclamation points, since she's mostly just asking a question, and changed get to got to be more grammatically correct.
- For cutesy characters, like Niko seems to be, we can be a bit more flexible with grammar and punctuation here. For instance, preserving the third-person addresses, as you have done, would be perfectly fine depending on the character. Punctuation, especially, should be kept as close to the original raw as possible, because changing it would alter the tone entirely.

Niko: Robin-san!! I’ve found another flower book!!
Robin: No. I don’t see any.
- Here, Niko just talks about one plant reference book. Robin should say "No. I don't see one" to keep consistency.
- Uhm, Robin's talking about the flower here xD

Niko: Gya~~. Scars. Aaaaah!!
- I would suggest changing the periods to exclamation marks, since I would imagine that Niko's screaming or yelling. XD
- Perfectly valid point, but again, you may want to consult the TL on this. If there is no punctuation on the raw, you could probably go with the exclamation marks, but if there is punctuation, stick with it.

Anywayy, I think I'm gonna go with Pho on this one and give you the third test (: Some of the changes you've made to the sentences are a little bit awkward, and sometimes change the meaning altogether, but otherwise your command of the language is pretty sound.

All the best!

(click to show/hide)

Anjai · « **Reply #8 on:** June 01, 2011, 03:27:59 AM »

Sorry for the wait. I've been busy with a huge school assignment.

(click to show/hide)

I had a slight confusion on whether I should have kept them saying "What're" and "they'll." In the end I opted to keep it in because I've read some manga where the person had a funny accent. Which is weird now because the manga's imitating an american accent. I wonder if I should feel insulted but then I feel like I'm thinking too much. Another confusion was the change when it went from miles to kilometers in the dialouge.

Ichi · « **Reply #9 on:** June 01, 2011, 06:46:41 PM »

Afs, please get on IRC.

aftershocked · « **Reply #10 on:** June 01, 2011, 06:53:12 PM »

Quote from: Anjai on June 01, 2011, 03:27:59 AM

I had a slight confusion on whether I should have kept them saying "What're" and "they'll." In the end I opted to keep it in because I've read some manga where the person had a funny accent. Which is weird now because the manga's imitating an american accent. I wonder if I should feel insulted but then I feel like I'm thinking too much. Another confusion was the change when it went from miles to kilometers in the dialouge.

Not critiquing (atm, anyway), but felt the need to say I personally use "what're" and "they'll" sometimes... it's pretty normal for an informal way of speaking (you can make more contractions than just "can't" and "don't," after all). It's not insulting XD I think it's a good idea you kept it, since leaving as "whare are" and "they will" might have come across as sounding too stiff, especially given the context.

Something like miles switching to kilometers would be a genuine error, however. As a proofer you need to correct inconsistencies like that. ~~Well, too late now, but...~~

_{_{PS: Ichi, that's a really weird way to get ahold of me, man XD}}

Anjai · « **Reply #11 on:** June 01, 2011, 08:54:16 PM »

... Thanks. Unfortunately, I didn't know. Yea. The United States is the only one to use this wacky system of measuring. Hmmm... I guess it can't be helped. Why is it that we use this but not the metric system?!

So... Am I going to get points taken off?

Ad

Author Topic: Anjai's PR Test (Read 872 times)

Anjai

Anjai's PR Test

Lanie

Re: Anjai's PR Test

Anjai

Re: Anjai's PR Test

Chiaki

Re: Anjai's PR Test

aftershocked

Re: Anjai's PR Test

Anjai

Re: Anjai's PR Test

Iceiphoenix

Re: Anjai's PR Test

INeededThat

Re: Anjai's PR Test

Anjai

Re: Anjai's PR Test

Ichi

Re: Anjai's PR Test

aftershocked

Re: Anjai's PR Test

Anjai

Re: Anjai's PR Test

Ad