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Author Topic: proofreading - Dero  (Read 311 times)

Offline -Dero

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proofreading - Dero
« on: June 17, 2010, 12:58:58 AM »
Nickname: Dero
Country of Origin and Time Zone: Portugal  - gmt-
Gender: Male
Age: 16
email: ha.dero@hotmail.com
Why I want this position: I’ve been reading your chapters on “one manga” and I want to help and participate. And no one answers me D=
 Time available: At least from 8 pm to 2 am every day, during summer.
Experience: Just helping friends and family, and that little project I mentioned before


Page 1

-(top right) Master, work is work! It’s because you wouldn’t stop going on about information on humans!
-(title) Judgment 2: Apple Tree 4
-(top left) Story: Youn In-Wan
-Art: Yang Kyung-Il
-The first chapter can be read for free on Club Sunday [clubsunday.jp]!
-Release of the huge hit!! Shin Angyo Onshi All 17 Volumes!!

Page 2

-There is hope! Don't give up until the end! The next move is...!?
-Master! When Nami was being taken away...she said something about a florist!
-Where is it, Bichula?
-She couldn't tell me!
-Excuse me, I'm in a hurry...
-There's a florist that's right next door... / to the station where Nami died!
-Haa / Haa
-Nice one Bichula!
-Master did a good job too!

Page 3
-Welcome, how fortunate we are to have you with us today. <3
-And what would you be searching for at Enzel Flower? Angel-sama~<3
-Shut your face!
-I'm a devil!
-Stop it Bichula!
-But she called me an angel even though I'm a devil!
-It pissed me off.
-Geez...stop causing me trouble. / We have no time, we need to find the Innocence Item before Nami is dropped into hell!
-Devil Search Spray!!
-Anything's fine! Please just react to anything involving Nami!

Page 4

-(top right) The Story So Far: In order to return to the demon world, the banished devil Kucabara is acting as a lawyer for sinners. This time, the Unknown Soul Nami has been judged by Kucabara to not have committed suicide. She linked with him in a contract!
-You know, when dogs are being kept by humans, / what do you think happens when feeding time comes around?
-The strong dogs form a group, / the weak dogs line up behind them to eat.
-If dogs are forced to do that to fill their bellies,
-Than how would it work for you humans...
-If you gathered the trash / who were turned away from seeking pleasure?

Page 5

-Welcome to my place of torment, (TN- The words used were literally 'hell' but considering what comes next it doesn't work so well when translated as hell in english, so I went with this instead)
-Eating Hell.

Page 6

-I am a gentleman. I don't personally inflict pain upon sinners. / In my hell pain is not given, because it is produced...
-The horrific death caused by...
-Hunger!
-The weak are eaten, the strong eat. / But no matter how many times a soul dies, it will soon be revived.
-Struggle miserably, be eaten cruelly...that is continually repeated/
-For the next four thousand years!
-Pl...please save me!! / I'm begging you, please save me!!
-I...I didn't commit suicide.
-It's true...please believe me!!

Page 7

-Kyaaaa!!
-Why,
-Why is there no reaction?

Page 8

-It’s strange...if this is the place that Nami visited then there should be some sort of reaction. / Bichula, are you sure it was this shop?
-Let’s try searching a bit more.
-We couldn't find anything at the station, right? Nor here...
-Master, it's already time.
-Right now Nami is...
-You’ve been with me for this long but you still don't understand me.
-You think I'm I nasty dude who just gives up? / You still don't understand anything!?

Page 9

-Uuh...
-Uuuh...
-Kuhihi...
-Dyuhihi!
-Not at all like someone who committed suicide… /You’re showing such a passion to live.
-Well, as a reward for that, / I'll tell you something interesting.
-Did you think that what happened at the station
-Was just your foot slipping?

Page 10

-Like I said, / There aren't any traces left at the station.
-Dammit... / there must be some thing...
-Do you know the special strength of a Shinigami?
-It is the ability to manipulate reality...a little bit.
-That day, when you started to lose your footing near the tracks, / You weren’t going to lose your footing and fall.
-Do you still not understand? / I'm saying that you were not necessarily going to come to hell.

Page 11

-So by my deception...
-I caused a huge accident.
-If a Shinigami doesn't work their business in the human world,
-Then they can’t live either.
-Could you move a bit?
-That's the place where someone who helped me died.
-Old man, could that be Nami...?
-So the young lady who died here was called Nami?
-When I was on the verge of freezing to death,
-She gave this coat to me. That young lady was just like an angel...

Page 13

-Noo!! Kyaaa!!
-Guhihi!
-Hurry down here!!
-You never learn, do you?
-Looks like you need a little extra nudging!
-There was a snow storm that day...

Page 14

-Everyone was just searching for romance on the snow...
-Nobody turned an eye towards a homeless guy like me.
-I'm going to be getting on a train soon.
-I felt that she looked sad, but
-Her face was still filled with hope...

Page 15

-She said something to me.
-"Keep on trying, mister." .
-"Tomorrow, even if the world is destroyed, I'll plant…"
-"…An apple tree today" or something like that...
-Now I see, that's how it was.

Page 16-17

Page 18

-The convoluted puzzle has,
-Been completely solved.
-I will now make the closing statement
-On Nami's behalf.
-Everything has been made clear with the coat in his hand. Next time, conclusion!
-Continued in issue 25


(I took 3 rounds doing this -.- )
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Offline Hyphier

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Re: proofreading - Dero
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2010, 02:38:09 AM »
Hi!~
Here are just a couple mistakes I found ;3

-Than how would it work for you humans...
It should be "Then".  "Than" is used as a comparison; better than.

-Everyone was just searching for romance on the snow...
In instead of on.  Wrong preposition.

And that's all I found.  Just sit tight and wait for Luffy's verdict now~
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Offline -Dero

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Re: proofreading - Dero
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2010, 11:20:12 AM »
 :confident: xD thank you :3
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Offline SAKU ( ゚∀゚)アハハ八

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Re: proofreading - Dero
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2010, 06:58:58 PM »
Here're some I found. O:

- You think I'm a nasty dude who just gives up!?
"I'm I nasty dude" doesn't make sense; Replace "I" with "a". Also, it's okay to keep the exclamation mark and just add on a question mark; This sentence is probably in a "spiked bubble", so the exclamation mark would be appropriate.

- You never learn, do you!?
Same as above.

- There was a snowstorm that day...
"Snowstorm" needs to be one word.

- The convoluted puzzle has
No comma is needed here, as the sentence continues in the next line to make "The convoluted puzzle has been completely solved".

Some minor things. C: As Hyphier said, please be patient, and Luffy will get to your application soon~.
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Offline -Dero

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Re: proofreading - Dero
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2010, 11:46:35 PM »
oh, you're bad I don't liiike you  >.< u.u  :brzzz now I have a lot of them D=
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